Feelings and emotions are part of us and as human beings; we cannot separate our feelings and emotions from our daily lives. Sometimes, these emotions can get out of hand when we experience loss or grief, for example, in a divorce. In such cases, we often end up causing more hurt to ourselves than what was done to us by feeling that we have been wronged, or taken for a ride. What can we do to let go of the hurt and stop feeling like the victim? Let’s find out…
It is common to blame the other party when dealing with a difficult situation like a divorce. How many people would be able to let go of a marriage so easily? We would say almost none. Many of us miss the point that blaming the other party for our hurt will get us nowhere, because we continuously ruminate around the same topic, reopening the wound again and again, hurting nobody else but us. In order to move on in life, there are some things that we could do in order to slowly but surely let go of the hurt that was done.
Step 1: Accept the pain and express the hurt it caused
The first thing that you can do to move on is to accept the pain that you are feeling and express the hurt that it cause. You can speak to someone close, like a trustworthy friend or a family member, or you can choose to speak with a counsellor if you feel more comfortable that way. Normally, in a divorce, there is betrayal and pain which can mean a complete loss of faith for people and life in general. Speaking about the pain and the hurt can help to regain some faith in humanity and also help you to move on with your life. It is also important at this point, to delve deep into your being to see if you are blaming yourself for what happened. If you do, recognise the blame and let it go. Nobody goes through life without mistake, but holding on to the mistake like a dear friend is making the same mistake again and again.
Step 2: Make a conscious decision to let go – stop feeling like a victim
After diving deep into your emotions to identify and understand them, the next step is to make a conscious decision to let them go. Make a commitment to be a person who bounce back from life’s setbacks and recognise your own power in your life’s choices. You have the right to stop feeling like a victim and choose to live a new life filled with joy. Take responsibility for your own happiness instead of putting this power in the hands of a person who no longer cares. Taking back your own power can be challenging but it would be one of your greatest achievements in life.
Step 3: Focus on being present – the here and now
This step is simply the action that you need to do to help you with step 2. When you focus on being present all the time, you fill your mind with the needs and wants of a present moment so that it does not have room to ruminate about the past hurts. Be present for your children, your family members, your friends, your work or anything of importance. Leave the hurt behind. This is part of letting go – fill the voids of your mind with new emotions such as joy and fulfilment instead of the hurt. Fill your days with joyful events and flood your mind with positive thinking. If you need help with this, speak to your family and friends and ask them to help you. It may be difficult for one person to do this alone, but it is a lot easier when you have others to rally around you.
Step 4: Learn to Forgive
Not everyone can forgive but the one who can forgive will lead a happier life. Learn to forgive even if you cannot forget. Forgiveness is not telling the other party that he is right, but saying that he may be wrong but you forgive him anyway. Forgiveness is one of the most powerful ways to let go. It is not a weakness because it takes a lot of courage to forgive someone who hurt you in the most unimaginable way possible. At the same time, reflect if you have forgiven yourself. In a divorce, it is common to blame yourself for all the “what-ifs”. Stop it. Do not ruminate on all those “what-ifs”. They are over and what you have in front of you is a new life filled with joy and new love.
We know that it is not easy for you to go through these steps but try. Life is not about holding on to your pains and regrets like an old friend; it is about living your life in the most joyous manner possible. More importantly, the pains that you hold on, negatively impact your relationships with others, especially your children, forcing them to face the consequences with you.
Therefore, be kind to yourself, and your loved ones, by letting go. All that are past are gone. Face the new day with positivity and make your new life ahead a better one than what you had!
