Divorce is painful and emotionally draining for anybody and the period after the divorce has been finalised is usually the most challenging. There are suddenly a lot of chores and work to be done, and your to-do list will double or even triple since the shared work around the house is now completely on you. It is also difficult to readjust to a life of a single, especially if you have been married for a long time. Loneliness gets at you when you least expect it and you may find yourself stressed up and lost. You may also have to manage your children all on your own now and that adds up the stress level to almost breaking point. How can you move on positively so that you learn to cope with singlehood? The key to moving on is to start focusing on you.
Self-care is important but many people tend to neglect this fact after a divorce. Let the below pointers remind you of the importance of self-care and you can start to move on positively to rebuild the person that you have known all your life.
1) Remember your own great qualities
You are an unique individual with great qualities. Perhaps you have forgotten them during your marriage and the process of the divorce. It is time to remember them again. Take a pen and paper and write down all the good qualities that you have and stick the paper somewhere visible. Read everything you write out loud every day until you internalised them in your head. Examples of good qualities are generous, kind, loving, caring, intelligent, etc. The list goes on. Allow yourself to view the positive instead of the negative every day and you will soon remember the great self that you used to know.
2) Give yourself time to grief
Divorce is difficult and is always accompanied by a sense of loss and grief. Do not sweep your emotions under the carpet. Give yourself time to grief so that your wounds will heal over time. It is mean to force yourself to smile when all you want to do is to curl up and cry. Give yourself permission to cry – it is healthy! Reward yourself with something that you like to do after the bout of grief to thank yourself for letting out the negative emotions.
3) Let go of the bitterness and regrets
In order to move forward positively, it is important to let go of all the negativity in your life. Let go of the bitterness and regrets that you felt because of the divorce. Stop thinking if it is your fault or it is his fault. Stop blaming yourself. It is okay to do this for a while as you are still adjusting but it is bad if you prolong it since these feelings will only drag you down further. Do yourself a favour and let go of the bitterness and regrets.
4) Do not take life too seriously
As mentioned previously, you will find that your chores and work has doubled after the divorce. There are two ways to handle this – either you get yourself so stress up until you cannot get anything done or you can learn to laugh at yourself. Learn to let go of little details and focus on getting things done. Do not take life too seriously and you can do it!
5) Be present in the moment
Instead of dwelling on bad feelings and negative emotion, be present in the moment. Appreciate the flowers when you walk in the park, smile at your neighbours, hug your children. You will not think negatively whenever you find yourself present in the moment.
6) Find out what makes you happy
Do you remember what truly makes you happy? Do you still remember your life purpose? There might have been goals which you have given up when you were married, but now you are free to pursue them again. Knowing your purpose give you a true sense of who you are and help you to find life’s direction. When you know how you want to make a difference in the world, you will be able to make decisions based on those goals. It also creates an alignment of your life with your life goals, allowing you to find self-worth and satisfaction on your life.
7) Be thankful for what you have
You may have lost a precious relationship in your life, but there are still plenty to be thankful for. Focus on these and tell yourself that you are thankful. Focus on the people who care for you and be thankful for them. Focus on what is working in your life and be thankful for it. Being thankful brings out the best in you and you will find yourself gaining positivity in no time.
8) Stop doubting yourself
It is common to start doubting yourself after a divorce as it takes away a big chunk of self-confidence from you. When you find yourself doubting your own abilities or capabilities, be true to yourself. Listen to your heart. Are you really lacking in that skill or is your fear holding you back? Be truthful. If it is your fear, ask yourself if you can conquer that fear on your own. If you feel that you cannot do it, seek for help. Help can be in the form of your family, friends or even a therapist. Do not force yourself to go on this journey alone. There is always help.
Stop being mean to yourself and start to be kind. Everyone needs a kind word and kindness does make the world go around. If we want people to be kind to us, why are we unkind to ourselves?