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How to Bounce Back from an Unwanted Divorce


Nobody likes to be on the receiving end of an unwanted divorce. It signals the end of a life together, a dream that goes bust. Your partner may have found someone new, or he/she is just tired of life together and wanted out. The reason for the unwanted divorce no longer matters, neither do the material gains that your matrimonial lawyer has helped you to achieve. The fact is you now find yourself alone and not knowing what to do. The pain and the fear are too much for you to move on with your life. It appears to be hopeless, but there is always hope.

Give it time
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. The wounds that have been opened by the shock news and the divorce process itself will not close within a short period of time. Even though time will heal some of these wounds, it cannot possibly heal all wounds. Be fair to yourself to know that you cannot forget and forgive everything within a short period, but as time passes, the pain will lessen to a dull ache. The memories and regrets will reduce and by that time, you will become someone stronger and wiser.

Self-criticism is self-defeating
Remember that you are still a lovable person, with your own unique strengths and traits. The divorce just means that your relationship with one person did not work out; it does not mean that every relationship you have is a failure. Be aware that self-criticism will get you nowhere. An unwanted divorce may affect your self-esteem and self-image, making you feel unwanted and unloved. You may even feel that you are no longer the person you once were. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Be extra nice because you deserve it.

True friendships do wonders
Friends make a difference during this difficult period of adjustment. You may find that some mutual friends that you have with your ex-spouse are no longer responding to your calls or messages. Do not take it personally. These friends may have a deeper friendship or loyalty towards your spouse. Let them go. Make an evaluation of the friends around you. There will be friends whom you can reach out to at this time of your life. Ask them out for a meal, or a day out in Sentosa to relax. The blessing of love from your friends will cushion the pain from the unwanted divorce until you feel ready to let go of the past hurts and move on.

Remember yourself
When we say that, we simply mean to ask you to recall who you were before your marriage. What was life like for you before the marriage? Did you enjoy bowling with your friends? Read a book with a glass of wine? Take up a course? Go on an adventure? It is a good chance that you can now do what you plan to do in the past but never had a chance due to your marriage. Do it now. You are your own person again. This is a new life for you and you can choose to start it on a positive note because you deserve it.

Allow yourself to grieve
Oftentimes, we think that crying and grieving are self-defeating and makes us more depressed. However, the opposite is true. Crying and grieving for a loss help us to come to terms with the loss, and eventually, help us to move on. Hold a pity party for yourself daily during your adjustment period helps you to accept the fact that the marriage is dissolved. Nonetheless, make a pact with yourself that you got to get up from somewhere and start living your life again without all the negative emotions dragging you down. Pity parties should be for a short time and not for long.

Prioritise yourself
Put yourself first during this difficult time. Do what you want to do. Go on the vacation that you always wanted. Do that yoga class that you always wanted to but have no time for it. Eat the food that you want. Put yourself in the centre of the universe and give yourself the good pampering that you deserve. After all, you have been making compromises when you are in a marriage, so now is the best time for you to refocus your attention on yourself again.

Delve into new options
This unwanted divorce might have propelled you into grief, but it is also an avenue for you to reconsider your options in life. Being in a marriage often means that you have to play a certain role and might be forced to be contented in a rut. If you are unhappy in your career, perhaps it is time for you to move on and choose something you love. Maybe it is time for you to open the flower shop that you wanted to, or become a piano teacher to put those skills into use. Regardless of your options, know that you can start over again.

Enjoy your singlehood
Some singles swears that singlehood is the best life that you can have. They enjoy living alone because they do not need to share anything! You call the shots to everything in the house, and do not need to worry about having another person to mess up your things. Celebrate your singlehood since you cannot change that. Find ways to enjoy your singlehood. It can be as easy as watching TV all day long while pigging out on potato chips or lying on the couch to read a book while finishing a whole bottle of wine. Figure out what works the best for you and do it.

Take a time-out for new relationships
It may be tempting to get into a new relationship at this time, but rebound relationships are not healthy for both yourself and your new partner. It is also unfair to both of you as you are still healing from a past relationship. In this period of time, taking a time-out for new relationship helps you to reflect and recollect your thoughts before stepping into a new loving relationship with someone else.