You have been thinking about divorce for some time but you cannot find a chance to speak with your spouse because it is never a good time. You begin to fret if it will never be a good time. On the other hand, the marriage is breaking down day by day and you find yourself trying to avoid your spouse by all means. Your children are beginning to sense that something is wrong through your actions. Your spouse, however, is unsuspecting and carries on doing whatever she does every day.
How can you bring up the topic of divorce in such a situation? Here are 6 steps to do it.
Suggest that you go for marriage counselling
If there is a small inclination on your part to save the marriage, suggest marriage counselling to your spouse. This helps to set the stage for later should you still conclude that a divorce is the best way forward. This also brings the problem to the forefront and alert your spouse that something is wrong.
Set up a plan to tell your spouse
If you find out that your spouse is unaware of the changing dynamics in the marriage and you still want out, then set up a plan to tell your spouse in the gentlest way possible. If you have young children, arrange for a sitter or send them to a relative or a friend for the evening. Make sure you are alone with your spouse in a private place (the home is possibly the best place). Tell her in a firm but gentle manner that you would like a divorce and state your reasons. Make sure that the reasons are not blaming statements. Focus on the “I” statements and not the “you” statements. Give her time to digest the announcement and the space to grieve. While you should prepare for an emotional outburst, do not simply walk away after the announcement as it will create distrust and the feelings of betrayal and abandonment. Instead, be patient and explain logically why you want a divorce.
Discuss amicable methods of divorce
If your counselling session has revealed that your spouse is also thinking of divorce as well, you can seek out either a Singapore divorce lawyer who is accredited as a mediator or hire divorce lawyers who deal with amicable divorces. It will lower your cost and ease some of the emotional pain for your family, especially the children. You can also suggest hiring divorce coaches to help both you and your spouse to get through this difficult period.
Ask your spouse how she wants to receive the papers
While there is a need to hire an experienced divorce lawyer to document the divorce proceedings, do not do it until you have spoken to your spouse about it. This minimises the distrust and feelings of betrayal/abandonment and instead, foster the feeling of mutual respect. Ask your spouse how she wants to receive the papers also helps to minimise her pain and show her the due respect she deserves.
Do not bring up settlement negotiations at once
You may want to get the divorce sort out as quickly as possible but please understand that your spouse is still in shock. Give her time to sort out her feelings about the divorce and wait until you have hired a mediator or divorce lawyers before you start talking about settlement. Going slow on this helps your spouse to grieve properly and also give you the chance to look for an experienced Singapore divorce lawyer who can help you to dissolve the marriage as simply as possible.
Communicate and emphasize your future relationship and interactions
Many spouses who face the unsuspected mention of divorce felt abandoned, betrayed and unwanted. Therefore, negative emotions run high and cause ugly scenes. To prevent hurting your spouse more than you should, make it clear that even though you want a divorce, you still value the relationship you have with them as parents of your children. Explain that getting a divorce does not mean that you are enemies. Once you are able to assure your spouse that you are not turning your back on her, she will be more willing to listen to what you have to say. Eventually, that will work out into an amicable divorce with minimum hurt to all sides.